


Bring Me To Despair

by Yollie183



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Crossroads Deals & Demons, Demons, Gen, a bit of implied Destiel, i use a lot of profanity, sorry 'bout that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-02
Updated: 2015-02-19
Packaged: 2018-02-27 21:46:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 10,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2707895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yollie183/pseuds/Yollie183
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Six years ago, Dan made a deal with a demon.<br/>Now he must pay the price.</p><p>Work title is from Number of the Beast by Iron Maiden.</p><p>***COMPLETE***</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Auld Lang Syne

_ 1 January 2009_

_Dan patted the ground back over the box he’s just buried in the middle of the road, hoping that no cars were travelling around here at midnight._

_“Hello,” a voice said behind him and Dan stumbled to his feet. He turned to face a short, stout man in an expensive looking suit. “What can I help you with?”_

_Dan was trying to overcome the shock of a person just appearing out of thin air._

_“I- uhm... This is a crossroads?” It came out like a question and Dan didn’t say anything else._

_The man nodded. “Yes, it is. Well, my name’s Crowley. I’m the King of Hell. I suppose you wanted to make a deal?”_

_The man said all this in the same tone of voice people on infomercials used._

_Dan nodded. “I- I did, yes. I want a friend. A best friend.”_

_The man raised an eyebrow, but didn’t comment as he pulled a scroll from a jacket pocket and unfurled it._

_Dan watched the man fearfully, wondering if he was making a horrible mistake. But he didn’t really believe in an afterlife, and he was so achingly lonely. What’s the worst that could happen?_

_“Right, well, I give you six years with a best friend and all the warm and fuzzies you can handle, then your ass belongs to me. Do we have a deal?”_

_As Crowley spoke, he put the scroll back in his pocket and looked expectantly at Dan._

_Dan nodded. Six years was enough, he thought. Sometimes living through a single day was hard for him, six years seemed like an eternity._

_“Alright then!” Crowley exclaimed and, to Dan’s shock, pulled him closer and kissed him._

_As soon as their lips parted, Crowley vanished._

 

 

 

 

 

 31 December 2014  -  23:45

 

Dan hated New Year’s parties. This one especially. It was likely his last, and he would’ve preferred to spend it –

 

_I wanna hide the truth_

_I wanna shelter you_

_But with the beast inside_

_There’s nowhere we can hide_

Again with that fucking song, Dan thought. Whoever was DJ-ing this party was obsessed with Imagine Dragons.

Dan hated Demons more than any other song in the world, mostly because the lyrics rang too true for him. A beast was laying in wait for him and he had to do everything in his power to stop it from getting to Phil. Phil, his best friend, the best friend anyone’s ever had, who Dan had sold his soul for. Phil was too innocent, to bright and pure, to be exposed to Dan’s darker side. Not that Dan had done anything bad in the last six years. But he could feel a darkness creeping up on him just the same.

 

_Don’t wanna let you down_

_But I am hell-bound_

_Though this is all for you_

 

Dan finally spotted Phil in the crowd, talking to PJ. He started making his way over to his friend, never taking his eyes off Phil’s face.

 

_Your eyes they shine so bright_

_I wanna save that light_

_I can’t escape this now_

Phil was laughing hysterically when Dan reached his side. He gave a little smile, praying (to who, though? he thought) that Phil stayed this happy for the rest of eternity.

“Oh, Dan! It’s almost midnight!” Phil gave him a wide, twinkly-eyed smile as they started the countdown.

 

10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... ONE!!!

 

Phil cheered along with the crowd, then hugged Dan, who smiled and whispered “Happy New Year” into his ear.


	2. Fear and Loathing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil are in Las Vegas for Dan's 24th birthday.

They had just checked into their hotel when Phil decided that this trip to Las Vegas was a horrible idea.

Dan was acting strangely. Had been for months now, and Phil had thought that going to America for his 24th birthday might do him some good. Phil was clearly wrong.

Dan was rude to the receptionist. Then he wrapped his arm around Phil’s waist and made a rather vulgar comment about the beds in their room. Phil pulled away from Dan, looking down at the floor and wishing it would open up and swallow him. When they were out of earshot of the hotel employees, Phil rounded on Dan.

“What the hell was that?” He asked angrily, barely managing to keep his voice at a reasonable volume.

Dan laughed mockingly. “Oh, lighten up, Phil. Don’t be such a pussy.”

He walked off down the corridor, leaving Phil to stare after him with wordless dismay.

What was going on with his friend? Phil didn’t know what to think. Dan had always been kind and sweet, like a slightly foul-mouthed Winnie the Pooh, but ever since Phil’s birthday, or maybe even since New Year’s, Dan was different. He was more vicious with his teasing, bordering on meanness, he was rude to people who didn’t deserve it, and he flirted outrageously (and often quite vulgarly) with almost everyone, most of all with Phil. This was the worst. Even though their relationship had always been platonic, Phil had sometimes allowed himself a few ‘what-if’ daydreams. The way Dan was treating him now, however, made him sad and angry and he really hated it. He’d tried talking to Dan, but the younger man either laughed it off, or mocked Phil in that new spiteful way he had adopted. Phil was miserable. He knew that if, after this holiday, Dan wasn’t back to his old self, they would have to part ways. As much as the thought hurt, Phil didn’t know what else to do.

 

Dinner was an ordeal. Phil sat with his head lowered, wishing he were anywhere but at a table with Dan. The younger boy had been horrible with their waitress the whole evening, even going as far as to proposition her. It seemed like a miracle that they hadn’t gotten kicked out of the restaurant.

“Dan, I think we should go,” Phil said quietly, as the waitress – who was on the verge of tears – stormed away from their table.

Dan rolled his eyes at Phil.

“We haven’t had dessert yet.”

“I don’t want any,” Phil said, starting to get up from the table. Then he saw something that made him collapse weakly back into his chair, his eyes wide with disbelief.

Dan had been looking at something over Phil’s shoulder, when his eyes had suddenly turned solid black.

Phil took a shuddering breath. “Dan, your eyes, they’re –“

But he was interrupted by the arrival of a man wearing a trench coat.

Dan’s eyes went back to their normal chocolate-brown and for a moment Phil thought he’d just imagined it.

Then Dan stood up, facing the trench coated man with absolute loathing on his face.

“You must be Castiel,” Dan sneered. “They told me about you.”

“Who are you?” The trench coated man said. His blue eyes drifted over to Phil, then back to Dan.

“No one important,” Dan said it mockingly. “But the King said I might run into you. And the Winchesters.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S Thompson.


	3. Them Good Old Boys Were Drinkin' Whiskey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They go for a drive...

“Dan, what on earth is going on?” Phil was honestly scared.

Dan turned to him with a sneer.

“God, Phil, just shut the fuck up!”

Phil recoiled at the brutality in Dan’s voice. He fumbled for his wallet and dropped some money on the table. He was blinking back tears as he walked out into the neon-bright night. Running a hand over his face, he berated himself for being so weak. About half a block from the restaurant, Phil abruptly stood still. Despite his anger at Dan, there was no way he could just leave his friend with a stranger.

He got back to the restaurant in time to see Dan walk out the door, accompanied by the guy in the trench coat and two other men who seemed a lot less friendly. One of them was carrying a strange bone-like knife at his side.

“Dan!” Phil called out. One of the men, with shaggy brown hair, turned toward him.

“Who are you?” he asked, his eyes travelling warily over Phil’s face.

“Who are _you_?” Phil countered, “and what are you doing with my friend?”

“You better come with us.” This came from the man with the bone-knife.

“We’re not going anywhere with you!” Phil wasn’t sure where his courage came from, but he wasn’t going to back down now. “Let him go.”

The man with the knife actually smiled before reaching into his jacket and pulling out a gun. He aimed at Phil’s heart.

“You are coming with us.”

 

They drove for almost twenty hours. Phil wasn’t sure where they were going or why, and he was more terrified than he’d ever been in his life. Before getting into the ancient Chevy, the men, who had introduced themselves – grudgingly – as Sam and Dean Winchester, had taken his and Dan’s phones, then they had chained up Dan. Literally. The trench coated man – Cas – had pushed Dan into the car wearing a collar and handcuffs, connected by two lengths of chain. The collar and handcuffs were engraved with a bunch of symbols. They even handcuffed Phil, but his pair wasn’t decorated. They looked kind of ‘standard issue’ to Phil, which scared him more, since these guys were obviously not law enforcement. Aside from the classic rock issuing from the car’s cassette player, the journey was horribly quiet.

Eventually Sam leaned over from the passenger seat and wrapped a piece of black cloth over Phil’s eyes. He wondered if they did the same to Dan. Not long after, the car stopped. Someone helped Phil out then led him inside a building. The blindfold was removed just in time for him to watch as Dan was led away by Dean and Cas. Phil turned to Sam, who was standing a few feet away, a frown on his face.

“What’s going on?” Phil’s voice was a little scratchy from being quiet for so long.

“Do you know what your friend is?” Sam looked at Phil as if he could read his mind.

“What do you mean? Dan is just Dan. I mean, he’s been acting strange for a while, but I checked his room, I didn’t find any drugs and he hasn’t made any new friends and I don’t know what he’s gotten mixed up in, but he’s my best friend and I’ve gotta help him and...” Phil’s voice trailed away.

Sam seemed confused. “You don’t know anything?”

Phil shook his head, staying silent to wait for an explanation. Dean and Cas came back after a few seconds and Sam motioned toward Phil.

“He’s clueless,” Sam told Dean with a sigh.

“Please, tell me what’s happening!” Phil didn’t mean to shout, but he was glad he did.

It was Cas who answered, looking at Phil with the sadness of eons in his blue eyes.

“Dan is a demon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from American Pie by Don McLean.


	4. Figure In Black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil learns that monsters are real.
> 
> Chapter title from Black Sabbath by Black Sabbath.

Phil stared at Cas in stunned silence for a few seconds, then shook his head, a nervous laugh escaping his chapped lips.

“A demon?” he said mockingly, but the strangeness of his situation robbed his voice of any sting. “Yeah, right, and I’m a unicorn!”

Dean stepped forward, one hand raised in a placating gesture.

“It sounds crazy, I know,” he said calmly. “But monsters exist, and your friend is really a demon.”

Phil looked into Dean’s green eyes. _This guy looks like he’s seen too much,_ Phil thought shakily.

“Monsters?” He asked weakly, looking from Dean to Sam to Cas.

Sam nodded.

Dean spoke quietly, “Monsters, ghosts, nightmares, gods, angels, demons. Everything exists. Sammy and me, we hunt them.”

Cas had stepped forward when Dean had mentioned angels.

“My name is Castiel. I used to be a servant of Heaven.”

Phil suddenly felt lightheaded. “This is ridiculous,” he whispered, but part of him believed already. Maybe it was the grim expression on Sam’s face, or the way Cas spoke with a strange weight in his words – as if he’d been alive forever. Or maybe it was Dean’s eyes, reflecting back so much suffering that Phil wanted to hug him and tell him it was all gonna be okay.

“And Dan?” he finally asked, “how did he become a... a demon?”

“We’re not sure. Usually it takes a few centuries in Hell for a soul to become that corrupted. We thought he might be possessed at first, but it’s really him.” Dean ended with a frown.

“A few centuries in Hell?” Phil was sure he would pass out. “But Dan is a good person. He would never end up in Hell.”

“Even the best people make mistakes,” Cas said quietly. Was it Phil’s imagination or did his eyes flicker in Dean’s direction? “We think he may have made a deal.”

“A deal? What deal?” Phil asked.

“He must have summoned a demon, made a deal to get something in exchange for his soul,” Sam said.

“But,” Phil said quickly, “Dan isn’t even religious. At all. How would he possibly have summoned a demon?”

“It’s really easy, to be honest,” Dean said gently, noticing that Phil was getting more and more upset. “Usually demon contracts last ten years, before you have to pay up.”

“Ten years?” Phil asked weakly. “I’ve known him for almost six.”

There was a paused.

“What could Dan have wanted so much that he would sell his soul?”

Phil sounded near tears. The Winchester brothers shared a look. They had to tell this poor kid the bad news, but neither of them knew how. Finally Sam spoke up.

“Phil, I’m really sorry, but there’s only one way to deal with this.”

Phil looked confused.

“We have to kill him.” Sam said it as gently as possible.

But Phil became near-hysterical.

“You can’t!” he screamed, “I won’t let you! He’s my best friend and you can’t touch him! I WON’T LET YOU HURT HIM!”

There were tears running down his cheeks as he turned pleadingly to Cas.

“Please,” Phil’s voice cracked. “Please, there has to be a way to help him. Please?”

Cas looked at Dean for a moment. “There is one way. But it’s dangerous and it might not work.”

“Please,” Phil said, “I’ll do anything. He’s my best friend, I have to save him.”

“Oh no, you don’t,” an accented voice suddenly spoke up from the corner of the room. It came from a portly man wearing an expensive suit. “Little Daniel is the first one to survive my new experiment, I can’t have you turning him back now.”

The man nodded toward the Winchesters and Cas. “Ah, Moose and Squirrel, how are you?”

“Really swell,” Dean said sarcastically, “thanks for asking, Crowley.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ought to start picking up speed now. The rest of the chapters will each be based on a song. I'll post the entire playlist at the end.


	5. When the Fires Came

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil thinks he might be going crazy...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by Black Sabbath (song) by Black Sabbath (band) and by Daniel by Bat for Lashes.  
> Chapter title is also from Daniel by Bat for Lashes. (It's a great song)
> 
> There might be a sort-of-spoiler for something that happens early in season 10 of Supernatural for those who haven't seen it.

_June 2013_

_“Tell me your deepest, darkest secret,” Phil said in a mock-sinister voice, holding the bag of Haribo bears out of Dan’s reach._

_Dan had both arms stretched out to get at the sweets, his one leg dangling awkwardly to keep him from falling of the couch. He tilted his head, making puppy-eyes at Phil. With the way they were slouched on the sofa, Dan’s struggles to get the Haribo back had caused him to practically climb on Phil’s lap, a fact that the older boy was sharply aware of._

_“Please, Phil,” Dan begged, pouting. “I need sugar!”_

_Phil chuckled and shook the bag. “No secrets, no sweets!” he taunted in a sing-song voice._

~

 

June 2015

 

Phil took a small sip of the beer Dean handed to him. He shuddered a little at the taste, but took another swallow.

The portly man, Crowley, was still in the Bunker (at least that’s what Phil thought Sam had called the place) and he was now sitting in a chair across the table from Phil. With everything he’d heard today, Phil felt like his head might implode. There was a dull throbbing behind his eyes.

Crowley had informed them that he had been doing some research in Lucifer’s absence – Phil didn’t ask for details – and had found ways to turn souls into demons a lot faster than the usual way – Phil didn’t ask for details – thanks to a little chat with his mum – Phil didn’t ask for details – and Dan was the first soul to survive the ‘procedure’ – Phil wanted to ask for details, then decided not to – and them changing Dan back or killing him would ruin Crowley’s plan – Phil didn’t ask for details – so he would be very grateful if they didn’t, thank you very much.

Phil finally asked for details.

“What did Dan get?” he asked shakily, “In exchange for his, uhm... soul?”

Crowley looked at him with something close to pity.

Phil was suddenly regretting asking for details.

“He wanted a BFF,” Crowley said. “I suppose that’s you.”

“A friend?” Phil looked at Sam, then at Cas. Then he looked down at the table and vowed not to ask for details about anything ever again.

Dan had wanted a friend so badly that he’s sold his sold? Phil was baffled. He knew Dan hadn’t had many friends growing up, and that he’d been lonely and unhappy a lot, but he couldn’t fathom what Dan had been thinking when he tried to summon a crossroads demon. It just made no sense to Phil, and he wished he could go back to his normal life, with normal Dan in their normal house in normal London doing normal internet-person things and watching normal anime... not that anime is ever really ‘normal’, but still. All this was getting to be a bit overwhelming to Phil, who put his hands over his face, trying to discreetly click his heels together while muttering “there’s no place like home” under his breath.

He looked up. It hadn’t worked. He was still in the Bunker with four other people who were staring at him.

Crowley finally spoke. “I’ll just get Danny-boy and be on my way then. Moose, go unchain him.”

“No.” It was Dean who spoke up, moving closer to Crowley, who got to his feet. The bone-knife-thing was gripped tightly in Dean’s fist, his expression cold and lethal. Phil felt icy terror ripple down his spine. It was clear that out of all four men, Dean was the most dangerous.

Crowley looked at the bone-knife-thing in Dean’s hand. He raised an eyebrow.

“You wouldn’t use that on me, would you, Squirrel?”

“Yeah, I would,” Dean said, taking another step closer to Crowley. “Now get out.”

Crowley looked for a moment like a petulant child who had just lost his favourite toy, then he simply vanished.

 

“So,” Dean turned back to Phil as though nothing weird or impossible had just happened. “Curing your friend. Let’s begin.”

“I think this might be difficult.” Cas said quietly. “The process of changing a soul into a demon like that has complicated things.”

“Complicated how?” Dean asked.

“It will have to be Phil’s blood,” Cas said with a tilt of his head.

“My blood?” Phil asked. “What do you mean?”

Sam gave Phil a quick explanation on demon-curing, which basically boiled down to Phil needing to inject his own blood into Dan, which might kill him or Dan or both.

Phil suddenly wondered if he should vlog this, then realised what an insane thought that was. He was going crazy and his brain felt like someone was using it for quidditch practice.

“Okay,” he said, nodding. “We’ll do that, then.”

While Sam, Dean and Cas shared looks, Phil suddenly wanted nothing more than to share his crazy day with Dan. And it was this that made him realise he truly would die to save his friend. Because even if them meeting had been the result of a demon-deal, he and Dan were best friends. And that ought to count for something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Feedback is always appreciated! <3 <3


	6. I Have the Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan thinks...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics are from Number of the Beast by Iron Maiden.
> 
> Warnings for imagery of violence and Satanism, I guess?

_I left alone my mind was blank_  
 _I needed time to think to get the memories from my mind_  
  
 _What did I see can I believe that what I saw_  
 _that night was real and not just fantasy_  
  
 _Just what I saw in my old dreams were they_  
 _reflections of my warped mind staring back at me_  
  
 _'Cos in my dream it's always there the evil face that twists my mind_  
 _and brings me to despair_

 

Dan struggled against the chains that bound him, cursing the Winchesters. Crowley had warned him to stay out of their way. And now, thanks to Phil’s _inspired_ idea to go to Vegas, he was trapped in a demon trap at the mercy of the two hunters. He snarled, tugging on the handcuffs around his wrists. It was no use, even as his skin split and blood dripped over his hands, he couldn’t get loose. Fucking Phil, he thought, this was all that insipid weakling’s fault!

 

Inside his mind, a part of his soul, still half-human screamed in agony. It was a side-effect of the method the King had used to transform him. He remembered it vividly. At the stroke of midnight on New Year’s, hugging Phil, then leaving the party, his body hurting as if his blood had been replaced by lava. He had made it to their apartment, somehow, and he had curled up on his bed. He had slipped in and out of consciousness, aware of his soul tearing itself away from his body. He had felt the King’s servants chain him to a hard metal surface, even while his hands twisted in his bed sheets.

There was no way to describe the agony. Only a few hours in the mortal world, it had been over before Phil got home. But it had been days in Hell. The human part of Dan’s soul still felt that pain, locked away in the recesses of demon-Dan’s psyche and it made him want to hurt someone. Or hurt himself.

 

Dan screamed, his voice echoing through the space in a strange inhuman way. He kept screaming, enjoying the burning of his vocal cords. Had human-Dan been masochistic? Demon-Dan was.

Finally, as his voice started failing, Dean Winchester opened the sliding door, glaring at Dan.

“Will you shut up!?” Dean growled.

Dan stopped screaming and grinned at Dean.

“Hiya, cutie,” he said, letting his eyes travel over Dean’s body in a way designed to make the older man uncomfortable.

Dean just smirked and stepped closer. He pulled out the First Blade and pressed it against Dan’s throat.

“Oooh, baby, that’s one of my erogenous zones,” Dan licked his lips. He made his voice breathy. “Press a little harder, yeah?”

Dean was close enough for Dan too see the minute contractions in those green irises as Dean’s pupils dilated.

Dan laughed. He was playing with fire, but damned if he didn’t enjoy it. He was almost certain that Phil would beg and plead for the soft-hearted Winchesters not to kill him. But gambling with Dean, under the Mark’s influence, was sixes and sevens* and Dan could feel how badly Dean wanted to slit his throat. Self-preservation prevailed, and Dan wiped the smile of his face.

“Okay, sorry,” he said placatingly.

Dean stepped away from him, twirling the jaw-bone Blade in his hands.

“I have no problem with gankin’ you, but your friend out there wants to try and save you. So starting tomorrow, you’re gonna get cured.”

“Cure?” Dan was honestly confused. “I’m a demon, not some kid with a cold.”

Dean just shrugged and walked away.

 _A cure?_ thought Dan, frowning to himself. He didn’t want to be cured. He enjoyed being a demon, it gave him freedom like he never knew existed.

Deep inside, human-Dan was screeching, clawing to get out, get free. Demon-Dan imagined he could hear human-Dan screaming Phil’s name, jubilating at the thought of the cure, even through the constant agony of being ripped in half. Demon-Dan wished his human part would shut the fuck up and go away.

 

_The night was black was no use holding back_  
 _'Cos I just had to see was someone watching me_  
 _In the mist dark figures move and twist_  
 _Was this all for real or some kind of hell_  
 _666 the number of the beast_  
 _Hell and fire was spawned to be released_  
  
 _Torches blazed and sacred chants were praised_  
 _As they start to cry hands held to the sky_  
 _In the night the fires burning bright_  
 _The ritual has begun Satan's work is done_  
 _666 the number of the beast_  
 _Sacrifice is going on tonight_

  _  
_

Despite being a demon and technically not needing sleep, Dan felt his eyelids getting heavy. He dreamed of war. Fires engulfing armies, men screaming in pain as their flesh melted from the heat. Black-clothed priests dancing under a full moon, dark eyes watching from the shadows as they sacrificed a child to the flames. A castle appeared on a misty horizon, a man standing on the battlements, tears spilling from blue eyes as he plunged his dagger into his own heart.

 

_I'm coming back I will return_  
 _And I'll possess your body and I'll make you burn_  
 _I have the fire I have the force_  
 _I have the power to make my evil take it's course_

 

Then Dan was back in Hell and he knew it was the nightmare of the human part of his soul. Agony engulfed him and kept him asleep, unable to pull away from the dreamscape where he was being skinned alive, splashed with acid, eviscerated, branded, drowned in boiling water.

In those moments, Dan’s demon and human halves faced each other. One was cowering, horrified by what surrounded him, while the other smiled and spread his arms in victory.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Dan is suffering from an acute case of multiple-psyche/personality/soul disorder. In other words, he's gone a little schizo (no offense intended).
> 
> Whew...
> 
> *Sixes and Sevens is a gambling term that means betting everything you have on something you're probably not gonna win.
> 
> Thanks for reading this far! I wanna say it will get better, but it won't, sorry.


	7. We're Crawling Side by Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They start the cure.
> 
> Chapter title and lyrics are from Rip Out the Wings of a Butterfly by HIM.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I recently watched 'The Excorcist'. And it shows.

_February 2010_

_“Were you ever bullied?” Dan’s voice was thick with unshed tears and Phil wished he could reach through the webcam and comfort his friend._

_“Sometimes. Why?” he asked, even though he was sure he already knew the reason._

_“Just something someone said to me today,” Dan murmured and looked away. The light from the computer monitor threw his profile into sharp relief and Phil could see a tear clinging to his eyelashes. The crappy webcam gave it a pixelated quality, signifying the distance between them._

_“I’m sorry,” Phil said quietly. He wanted to tell Dan what a perfect human he was, but he didn’t know how._

 

~

 

June 2015

 

Phil walked into the ‘dungeon’ behind the Winchesters, carrying a case with syringes and antiseptic wipes. He didn’t look at Dan while he placed the case on the table and unzipped it.

_Heaven ablaze in our eyes_

_We're standing still in time_

_The blood on our hands is the wine_

_We offer as sacrifice_

 

He lifted a syringe, trying to tear open the packaging with shaky hands. Sam took the syringe and removed the plastic. He raised an eyebrow and Phil nodded, holding out his arm for Sam to take the blood. He kept his eyes on the wall opposite him. He couldn’t look at Dan, not yet. The needle stung and Phil winced, drawing in a quick breath. He heard Dan laugh. Not his usual loud, boisterous laugh, but a quiet, menacing chuckle that made the hair on the back of Phil’s neck stand on end. Sam withdrew the needle.

“Do you want me to do it?” he asked Phil quietly.

Phil shook his head. “I will.”

“Phil,” Dan suddenly spoke, his tone pleading. “Phil, don’t do this, please. I’ll die, Phil. Please, don’t.”

Phil shook his head, finally looking over at Dan.

“You’re not him,” he said, “you’re not my friend.”

Phil crossed the room with a confidence he didn’t feel and grabbed hold of Dan’s arm. The demon cried out, trying to pull away, but it couldn’t break free of the bonds. Dan’s cries turned to screams of pain as Phil gently injected his blood into the demon’s arm.

“You cocksucker!” Dan screamed at Phil. “You miserable coward! I hate you! I want you dead, you useless fucking faggot!”

Phil turned away from Dan. He knew it wasn’t his friend screaming at him, but the words still hurt.

When Dan stopped screaming, Phil turned to look at him. His eyes were pitch black, just like in the restaurant in Vegas. His mouth was twisted into a sneer and Phil’s heart broke a tiny bit. This inhuman thing was not Dan. It had his face and voice, but there was no trace of Phil’s best friend left in him.

“We’ll do the next shot in half an hour,” Sam said quietly, putting his hand on Phil’s shoulder to guide him out of the room.

 

_Come on and show them your love_

_Rip out the wings of a butterfly_

_For your soul, my love_

_Rip out the wings of a butterfly_

_For your soul_

 

Dan struggled against his bonds when the Winchesters and Phil left. The blood he’d been injected with had burned like acid. Worse. It had left a residual heat under his skin, the way sunburn did. And inside him, Human-Dan was sobbing with relief that Phil was trying to cure him. Demon-Dan screamed at Human-Dan to just shut up. It was driving him insane, the constant screaming and crying and begging and praying from the human part of his soul.

 _Shut up!_ He thought at Human-Dan. _Shut the fuck up! It won’t work, idiot. The cure will kill us and Phil!_

Demon-Dan smiled at that.

 _Oh yes,_ he taunted Human-Dan, _Phil’s gonna die and it will be all your fault. You sold your soul, you dragged him into this mess and now he’s going to die! Stop crying! STOP CRYING, GODDAMN IT, STOP FUCKING CRYING!_

Demon-Dan pulled at his chains, trying to press his hands over his ears. He bit into his bottom lip until blood spilled over his teeth. But Human-Dan would not be quiet.

 

_This endless mercy mile_

_We're crawling side by side_

_With hell freezing over in our eyes_

_Gods kneel before our crime_

 

The human part of Dan’s soul was in agony. Bound inside the Demon part of him, with no way to get out, constantly tortured. The only sanity he could find was in his own voice. So he screamed and cried and begged and prayed that it would just stop. He wanted to be free. He wanted to die. And most of all, he wanted to tell Phil that he was sorry. Sorry for causing all this. Sorry for hurting him, sorry that this might kill him. And sorry for never telling him how much Dan loved him.

 _Please, God,_ Human-Dan prayed, _let Phil be okay. And let him know I never meant for him to get hurt. Please..._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, sorry that took so long to post. Life happened.
> 
> And I apologize if I offended anyone with the use of the word 'faggot'. I have absolute respect for the LGBT community and I know it's a horrible thing to say to someone, which is why I made Demon-Dan say it. Exactly because it's such a very un-Dan thing to say.   
> If anyone thinks I should take it out, please let me know. 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who commented and left kudo's, you make me so happy! <3 <3 :D


	8. Truth or Bone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title and lyrics from Lucifer's Angel by The Rasmus.
> 
> The Bible verse is Isaiah 48:10 (KJV)

_October 2013_

_“Fuck, ouch!” Dan exclaimed loudly, bringing his hand to his mouth._

_“What’s wrong?” Phil asked with an alarmed expression on his face. His eyes were almost comically wide, and Dan gave a hint of a smile around the finger in his mouth. He pulled it out to show Phil the reddish mark, already forming a blister._

_“I burned my finger trying to put the stupid candle into the stupid pumpkin,” he said, chagrined._

_Phil chuckled, gently pulling Dan’s hand toward him to get a better look. Without thinking he leant down and pressed his lips to the burn. He immediately let go of Dan’s hand._

_“You should run some cold water over it,” he said quickly, meeting Dan’s wide gaze for a second, before the younger man got up and walked to the kitchen._

_~_

June 2015

 

The second injection burned worse than the first. Dan strained against the chains binding him, spitting every curse word he could think of in Phil’s direction, relishing the pain in those stunningly blue eyes.

He continued screaming obscenities as Phil and the Winchesters left.

 

_Behind those eyes lies the truth and grief_   
_Behind those beautiful smiles I've seen tragedy_   
_The flawless skin hides the secrets within_   
_Silent forces that secretly ignite your sins_

 

Phil breathed shakily, wiping a hand over his bloodshot eyes.

“Why don’t you go lie down?” Sam suggested kindly, and Phil nodded, grateful.

Once he had left, Sam turned to his brother.

“Do you think the cure will work?” he asked.

Dean gave a half-nod-half-shrug. “It worked on me.”

They took seats across the table from each other. Sam pulled his laptop closer, fingers clicking over the keys in a peaceful sort of way. Dean leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes in an attempt at a powernap.

He had barely drifted off, when he was startled awake by Cas appearing next to him. The angel sat down in a chair, giving Dean a small smile.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean murmured, “what’s up?”

“Nothing,” Cas answered in his gravelly voice, still looking unblinkingly at Dean.

Dean caught his gaze and looked away, feeling more awkward than he should, and shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

“So get this,” Sam piped up suddenly, his gaze fixed on the laptop’s screen, he’d missed the slight moment between Dean and Cas. “It looks like Dan and Phil are quite famous in the UK, and since New Years, their fans have picked up on Dan behaving weirdly. Everything from propositioning girls to being uncharacteristically rude. There’s even a blog called DanWatch, where fans document strange behaviour. His and Phil’s absence from Twitter the past couple of days is the current topic of discussion.”

He finally looked up, gazing from the trench coated angel to his brother.

“You okay?” he asked them after a moment’s silence.

“Yeah,” Dean said hurriedly, averting his eyes.

Cas nodded, his gaze still on Dean’s face.

“We should get Phil,” Dean said, getting to his feet. “It’s time for Dan’s next dose.”

With that he ambled away, turning toward Phil’s room.

Sam quirked an eyebrow at Cas. “What’s going on, Cas?”

“I worry about Dean,” the angel said wearily, “he’s seen and done so much, I wonder if he could ever just be Dean Winchester again.”

Sam had no words to reply to Cas. Instead he got up to help Phil with drawing his blood.

 

_Fly away, fly away_   
_From the torch of blame_   
_They hunt you –_   
_The Lucifer's Angel_   
_Never lived, you never died_   
_Your life has been denied_   
_They call you_   
_The Lucifer's Angel_

 

Phil felt a tiny bit better after his half-hour nap. He walked into the bunker’s dungeon with renewed resolve, holding his arm for Sam to draw yet more of his blood. He wondered briefly how much blood he could lose before dying, then decided it didn’t matter. He’d give every last drop to have his Dan back. He stepped toward the demon, ignoring the curses it was throwing at him in Dan’s voice. He looked into those chocolate-coloured irises, cold with hate as he pressed the needle into a vein, pressing steadily down on the plunger. The demon threw it’s head back and howled in pain. Phil felt a twinge of anger. If this had been Dan, warm and kind and human, Phil would’ve wrapped him in a hug, whispering comfort until the pain subsided. But the demon had taken any sort of comfort away from Phil’s friend. Turning away, Phil felt something icy in his chest, right over his heart. He hated the demon. He hated it with a cold fury that made him feel lightheaded. He blocked out the curses the demon was screaming at him.

“I think I need a drink,” he said to Dean, once the demon had been locked away once more.

 

_Beyond these clouds you can hide all your tears_   
_Beyond this world you'll be safe from their wicked fears_   
_And in their hearts they fear your demands_   
_You know their minds won't accept you, they'll never understand_

 

Demon-Dan was roaring in anger and pain. The last two shots of Phil’s blood seemed to boil under his skin. He was reminded of a verse in the Bible, heard when he’d gone to church with his Grandmother lifetimes ago, that had stuck with him through his transformation in Hell. _Behold I have refined thee, but not with silver, I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction._ He didn’t know why those words had surfaced in his memory, he couldn’t remember the sermon or even the context of the verse. All he knew is that it rang suddenly with an awful truth. The incandescent heat of Phil’s blood was very different from the destructive flames in Hell. It seared through his veins like white-hot flames. Instead of burning through his soul and leaving a scorched waste behind, it was purifying him. It burned away the corruption. Demon-Dan was horrified at this realisation. Did they not know the agony each shot of Phil’s blood caused? Why couldn’t they just let him be. He was saddened (much the same way Lucifer would have been when God and Michael turned on him, Dan thought) by their refusal to just let him be. The human part of his soul was enough punishment already, why did they heap more on him? All he wanted to do was to be left in peace to carry out their King’s orders. He didn’t want to be cured! The Winchesters and Phil, always so goody-goody, they would never be able understand that Demon-Dan just wanted to be himself.

With these thoughts – and other, less pleasant ones – drifting in his mind, he screamed and cursed and pulled at his chains.

 

_On your own I know you can make it_   
_Truth or bone. I know you can shake it_   
_Survive alone I know you can take it_

 

Human-Dan pulled at his own bonds, straining to be free. With each shot of blood pumped into the demon’s veins, Human-Dan felt more free, more coherent in the aftermath of the white-hot burning, that touched him even here, locked inside his own psyche. For the first time since New Year’s, Human-Dan had hope. If he could just withstand the furnace for a little longer, he could overcome the demon.

Once again, through his screams, Dan prayed to whatever deity was willing to listen.

_Please let Phil get through this. Let him be strong enough to see this to the end. And maybe I’ll get to touch him again... maybe..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this update took so long! We went camping this weekend - no internet, then I got sick and had to go to the hospital. So all in all it hasn't been my best week. 
> 
> On a much happier note: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PHIL! 
> 
> Thanks for reading and commenting and kudo-ing, it always brings a smile to my face!


	9. Time Still Turns The Pages

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An update? After all this time? YES!  
> Sorry for taking so long, but to be fair I did write four one-shots since the last chapter. *Nervous giggle*
> 
> Lyrics and title from Whispers by Evanescence, So Far Away by Avenged Sevenfold and Evil Angel by Breaking Benjamin.

_August 2012_

_“Green,” Phil said decisively._

_“Green? Phil, it can’t be green,” Dan said, head tilted, waiting for Phil to agree with him._

_“But I like the green,” Phil said._

_“It’ll clash with everything,” Dan said for the third time that day. “Green fridges are just too impractical. Just like the purple one and the blue one.”_

_“But I like the green one,” Phil repeated._

_“Grey,” Dan said, waving his hand at the gun-metal grey fridge._

_“Green,” Phil said, yet again, pointing at it._

_A lady standing near the dishwashers looked at them, the expression on her face one of fond amusement._

Plans of what our futures hold  
Foolish lies of growing old

_We probably sound like newlyweds, Dan thought, shopping together for the first time._

_“We can get the white one, or the grey one,” Dan said, making it sound like a compromise instead of an ultimatum._

_“If I agree to the grey one, will you scour e-bay for a Gengar magnet to put on it? And a Lemongrab one?” Phil asked._

_“Yes, Phil,” Dan said, rolling his eyes, but he couldn’t keep the grin off his face. Phil could be so adorable sometimes._

_~_

June 2015

Dan groaned, his eyelids fluttering, struggling, to open. His face was horribly pale, with only two vivid patches of red high on his cheekbones.

 

_Lived a life so endlessly_   
_Saw beyond what others see_   
_I tried to heal your broken heart with all that I could_   


“Are we killing him?” Phil asked, shoving his shaking hands into his pockets. The trembling had started about six hours ago, after the seventh shot of his blood had been injected into Dan. Shortly following that, Phil had begun to feel light-headed. Most recently, he’s been experiencing the sensation of his bones turning to lead. It was an immense effort to keep standing and he swayed slightly on the spot. Sam gripped his shoulder, leading him out of the dungeon and towards the kitchen.

 

_I'm frightened by what I see_   
_But somehow I know_   
_That there's much more to come_

 

Phil was gently pushed down onto a chair and handed a mug. He drank the strangely salty liquid without question and when Sam pushed a plate holding a grilled cheese sandwich toward him he lifted his heavy arms and ate as much as he could. Only then did Sam answer his earlier question.

“I don’t think so. The fever is probably caused by the demonic presence fighting the effects of your blood.”

Phil nodded at Sam’s words. The action made his stomach lurch. He jumped to his feet, making it to the sink just in time to expel the contents of his stomach. The cure might be working on Dan, but it was killing Phil.

 

_Hold it together, birds of a feather,  
Nothing but lies and crooked wings._

 

Sam and Cas helped Phil to his room, where he sank limply onto the bed, his thoughts mostly incoherent. The only clear image his mind was willing to hold was Dan’s face. Not the pale, haggard face of the demon in the dungeon...

 

_A final song, a last request_   
_A perfect chapter laid to rest_   
_Now and then I try to find_   
_A place in my mind_   
_Where you can stay_   
_You can stay away forever_   


but the real Dan laughing at something silly Phil had said. Had it been last Christmas? Phil thought, upset that he couldn’t pinpoint the rest of the memory.

 

_Immobilized by my fear_   
_And soon to be_   
_Blinded by tears_   
_I can stop the pain_   
_If I will it all away_   


He curled up on his side, squeezing his eyes shut and tried not to cry. He knew he should rest, Sam would be here all too soon for another shot of blood.

 

_Servatis a periculum [save us from danger].  
Servatis a maleficum [save us from evil]._

 

_

 

Dean was poring through an old leather-bound book, trying to find something, anything, that might help with the demon-cure. Sam had told him that Phil was getting sicker with each blood injection, but short of kidnapping an angel who could heal Phil with their grace, there wasn’t much to be done. Cas was sitting across from him, paging through one of the books Dean had cast aside earlier.

 

_I'm a believer,  
Nothing could be worse_

 

“I don’t think this is going to work, Dean,” Cas said at length. His voice was low and troubled.

“Yeah, I know,” Dean replied with a heavy sigh.

In sync, they turned the pages of their books.

 

_

 

Demon-Dan was fading like an old picture.

 

_Fallen angels at my feet_   
_Whispered voices at my ear_   
_Death before my eyes_   
_Lying next to me I fear_   
_He beckons me_   
_Shall I give in_   
_Upon my end shall I begin_   
_Forsaking all I've fallen for_   
_I rise to meet the end_   


He clung desperately to existence, fighting the effects of the blood like a dying man fighting cancer. All the while, the human side of him was growing stronger.

 

_'Cause as soon as I'm done I'll be on my way_   
_To live eternally_   


There was only one light at the end of this miserable tunnel for Demon-Dan: Phil was even worse off than he was. He only needed to outlive that simpering idiot and the King would come back for him, he was sure of it.

 

_

 

_A life to heal the broken heart with all that it could._

_Will you stay?  
Will you stay away forever?_

 

When the dungeon door opened again, Human-Dan was aware enough to actually notice exactly how terrible Phil looked. Sam Winchester was supporting him as he limped closer.

 

_You are the faith inside me._   
_No, don't leave me to die here._

_Hoping to find a savior._

_Help me survive here._   
_Alone, don't surrender. Surrender._   


Dan saw him wince as the needle punctured his already black-and-blue arm. Human-Dan ignored the demon’s outburts when the blood was slowly injected into his vein. Instead he focused on Phil’s clouded eyes, the lines around his mouth, the pallor of his skin and Human-Dan felt his heart break. Phil was dying. Phil, his best friend, the person he loved more than anything in the world, was dying and it was all his fault.  

 

_

 

Phil struggled to press down the plunger of the syringe. His fingers ached. In fact, his whole body ached, every limb and joint.

 

_And the light you left remains but it's so hard to stay  
When I have so much to say and you're so far away_

 

He looked into the demon’s eyes as he injected the blood. Instead of the burning hatred from before, the brown irises seemed empty, as if the presence behind them was absent. The pupils were dilated, black holes leading into a vast nothing.

 

_Put me to sleep evil angel.  
Open your wings evil angel._

_Fly over me evil angel._

_Why can't I breathe evil angel?_

 

Phil pulled the needle out of the demon’s arm. It dropped from his numb fingers, rolling across the floor. Phil took two steps toward it, meaning to pick it up. As if in slow motion, he felt himself lose consiousness and crumple to the floor. The last thing he saw was Dan’s widened eyes, then everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who comments and leaves kudos, I have a great deal of affection for you all!


	10. When I Run In The Dark, Daniel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil remembers...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics and title are from Daniel by Bat for Lashes...

October 2009

 

_Daniel, when I first saw you_   
_I knew that you had a flame in your heart_   
_And under wild blue skies_   
_Marble movie skies_   
_I found a home in your eyes_   
_We'll never be apart_

Phil held his breath as the train pulled into the station. He hid his nerves behind a crooked smile as he saw the lanky boy step off the train. Their eyes met across the platform and Phil felt a tug deep inside his chest. Those warm brown irises were at once brand new and very familiar. There were a few awkward minutes as they hugged and turned to walk side by side along the platform to leave the station. Soon enough though, they were talking as though they’d known each other their whole lives and Phil was swept up in Dan’s vital personality. He was so _alive,_ Phil thought, and so utterly unaware of the spark that burned behind each smile...

 

~

 

December 2009

  
_And when the fires came_   
_The smell of cinders and rain_   
_Perfumed almost everything_   
_We laughed and laughed and laughed_

Dan followed Phil into his house. Phil could hear Dan’s teeth chatter from the cold and steered the younger boy to the lounge, where flames were crackling merrily in the fireplace. He went to make hot chocolate, pausing for a moment in the doorway, taking in Dan’s silhouette against the orange-red fire. Then he moved to sit next to Dan, who made a joke about Santa getting a nasty surprise when climbing down the chimney. Phil gave a snort of laughter and spilled hot chocolate on the rug. For a long while they sat, conversation flowing naturally around them, while Phil tried not to feel too fuzzy about the way Dan’s hair curled at the ends...

 

~

 

November 2011

  
_And in the golden blue_   
_Crying took me to_   
_The darkest place you knew_   
_And set fire to my heart_

Phil looked up from his book at a muffled sound making it’s way through the thin wall that separated his bedroom from Dan’s. He went to the door, pausing for a moment before knocking. One of his feet nervously pressed against the other, the mismatched socks pulling away from his toes. Dan had been having a bad few weeks and Phil didn’t want to make it worse by disturbing Dan, especially if the younger boy was studying. But another sound – unmistakably a sob – made Phil turn the handle without warning.

Dan was curled up on his bed, the bedspread messy around his shaking form. One of his hands was clutching at his pillowcase. Phil quietly sat down on the bed, reaching out to rub Dan’s back. Instead of calming down, Dan let out a shuddering sob, pulling himself upright and into Phil’s arms. Phil held him while he sobbed into his shoulder, whispering quiet words of support and comfort. Finally Dan stopped trembling – he’d fallen asleep. Trying not to disturb him, Phil lay down, with Dan sprawling half on top of him, and closed his eyes...

 

~

 

October 2013

  
_When I run in the dark, Daniel_   
_To a place that's vast, Daniel_   
_Under a sheet of rain in my heart, Daniel_   
_I dream of home_

Phil set his phone on the bed, looking out the window at the Florida sky, dark and starry. He gave a little sigh. He’d just spoken to Dan on the phone, even though it was the small hours in England. They had talked about the radio show that Dan would have to do alone the next evening. Phil got up and closed the curtains. For some reason the sky always looked bigger in America, and right now it made him feel small and homesick. Dan may joke about being lonely when Phil was gone, but Phil truly did miss his best friend when they were apart like this. In his heart, he wanted nothing more than to be back in gloomy, rainy London, sat on the sofa and watching an anime with Dan...

 

~

July 2014  
  
 _But in a goodbye bed_  
 _With my arms around your neck_  
 _Into our mouths the tears crept_  
 _Just kids in the eye of the storm_

They’d had too much too drink, Phil decided as he struggled to unlock their front door. Dan had one finger hooked through Phil’s belt loop and was tugging it rhythmically. Phil warned him not to tug too hard, “my pants are goin’ to fall offff, Dan!”

“Would that be such a bad thing?”

Finally Phil managed to open the door and they stumbled inside. Dan refused to let go of Phil’s pants, resulting in him pulling Phil onto his bed, which was awkward since Phil had to shuffle backward on his knees. He fell over and they both collapsed in fits of giggles. It didn’t last long though, as Dan’s laughter turned to sobs.

“Dan, what’s wrong?” Phil asked, letting Dan crawl into his arms.

“I’m going to die, Phil.”

“No, don’t be silly, you’re young, you have a lot more life to live.”

Dan shook his head. “No, it’s almost over. I know it is and I think it might be just what I deserve.”

Dan wasn’t sobbing anymore, his voice was steady, but hollow. Phil was suddenly more afraid than he’d ever been before.

“Dan, please promise me that you won’t hurt yourself, please?”

“It’s too late, I already have.”

 

~

 

June 2015  
  
 _And as my house spun round_  
 _My dreams pulled me from the ground_  
 _Forever to search for the flame_  
 _For home again_  
 _For home again_

Phil was not in Kansas anymore. Where was the Cowardly Lion? Phil ran through a field of bright purple flowers, searching for the Lion, to ask for courage, so he could go fight against the villain in this horrible tale he was stuck in. Every so often, he thought he could see a shower of sparks, reflected in warm brown eyes, but he didn’t know in which direction to run to find those eyes, those eyes that meant love, safety, happiness. Those eyes that were the symbol of home. He kept running, hoping to find the Lion, the sparks, home, anything...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phil is not in Kansas anymore...


	11. I Dream What You're Dreaming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A mystery guest arrives...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics are from Until It Sleeps by Metallica, Face of God by HIM, Famous Last Words by My Chemical Romance and There For You by Flyleaf...

_Where do I take this pain of mine_   
_I run, but it stays right my side_   
_So tear me open, pour me out_   
_There's things inside that scream and shout_   
_And the pain still hates me_   
_So hold me, until it sleeps_

 

Cas found Dean in his bedroom, sitting on the floor next to his bed. He was wearing headphones, the fingers of one hand tapping out the rhythm of whatever song he was listening to.

Cas sat down next to him. Dean glanced over and pulled off his headphones, disconnecting them to let the music waft around them. Cas half listened to the lyrics as he surveyed Dean’s expression. He didn’t need to be an angel to tell that Dean was upset. They stayed quiet for a long while. It was Dean who finally broke the silence.

“I’m not usually a glass half-full kinda guy, but I didn’t think things would turn out this way.”

_So tear me open, but beware_   
_There's things inside without a care_   
_And the dirt still stains me_   
_So wash me, until I'm clean_

Cas knew that Dean was talking about more than just the two young men they’d been trying to help.

“You did the best you could. You always do.” He said it gently, hating the self-loathing ever present in those green eyes.

“Did I?” Dean asked, tilting his head in Cas’ direction. “It sure as hell doesn’t seem that way.”

Before Cas could figure out a reply, the doorbell rang.

They looked at each other in confusion for a second, then got to their feet and hurried to the door. Sam met them halfway, his expression apprehensive.

 

~

 

_Labyrinth in a shape of a heart_   
_Love's secret architecture_   
_I find myself to be lost in the_   
_Arms of your fate_

Dean was the one to open the door, revealing – of all the people in the world – Chuck.

“Chuck?” Dean uttered in surprise, standing aside for Chuck to enter the bunker.

“Hi,” Chuck said, casting a nervous glance around the bunker. “I, uhm... I had a vision or whatever that I was here, so I came. Is that okay?”

“Yeah, yeah of course,” Sam answered. “Did you see anything else?”

Chuck nodded, but waited until they were all seated around the table, with cold beers in their hands, before speaking.

 

_I'd kill to share you pain_   
_(Please let me stay)_   
_And sell my soul for you just to say_   
_Love's name in vain_   
_Again and again_   
  
_I dream what you're dreaming_   
_And feel what you're feeling_   
_Love's our shadow on the wall_   
_With the face of God_

 

“I saw Phil and Dan,” he said, taking a sip of beer. “I’m not sure what’s going to happen. The last thing I saw was me ringing the doorbell, so... here I am.”

“I didn’t even know we had a doorbell,” Dean said to break the tense silence, earning him a frown from Sam.

 

~

 

_So many_   
_Bright lights, they cast a shadow_   
_But can I speak?_   
_Well is it hard understanding_   
_I'm incomplete_   
_A life that's so demanding_   
_I get so weak_   
_A love that's so demanding_   
_I can't speak_

 

“Is Phil okay?” Dan asked the moment Sam opened the door.

“We don’t really know,” Sam said reluctantly, giving Dan a mistrustful look.

Dan knew he deserved it, he was a demon after all. But since he had watched Phil slump to the ground something had broken inside him. He had been confused, caught between rejoicing that Phil couldn’t continue the cure and worrying whether he was okay. It made Dan irritable, something that was only worsened by the Human inside him, sharing his worry over their friend ( _no,_ he berated himself, _he’s not our friend, he’s just another disposable meatsuit_ ) and fretting over his well-being. Far from being the dominant presence inside this body, Dan was now almost weaker than the Human, barely clinging to his tenuous grip on existence.

 

_I am not afraid to keep on living_   
_I am not afraid to walk this world alone_   
_Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven_   
_Nothing you can say can stop me going home_

_I see you lying next to me_   
_With words I thought I'd never speak_   
_Awake and unafraid_   
_Asleep or dead_

 

It was even harder to hold on with his feelings conflicted like this. He kind of wanted to let go, cede control and give the Human back his body and mind and soul. That scared him, which in turn made him more confused.

 

_These bright lights have always blinded me_

 

It made his head ache, so he tried to find some relief in shouting abuse at Sam Winchester until the hunter left.

 

~

 

_Sometimes I'm a selfish fake_   
_You're always a true friend_   
_And I don't deserve you_   
_'Cause I'm not there for you_   
_Please forgive me again_

 

Dan was struggling against the Demon, using it’s weakness and his new-found strength to try and wrest control away, but was so far unlucky.

 

_I wanna be there for you,_   
_Someone you can come to_   
_Runs deeper than my bones_   
_I wanna be there for you_

 

He was worrying constantly about Phil. Phil who had looked weak and sick while giving him that last injection of blood. Phil who had collapsed in front of Dan, when there was nothing he could do but watch.

 

_Swirling shades of blue_   
_Slow dancing in your eyes_   
_The sun kisses the earth_   
_And I hush my urge to cry_

 

For one shining moment, Dan had felt his body again, he had been able to move his arms, had felt the expression on his face as Phil’s eyes met his as he’d fallen. Then the Demon had taken over again.

 

_‘Cause I hear the whispered words_   
_In your masterpiece beautiful_   
_You speak the unspeakable thought_   
_I love you too_   
_I wanna be there for you,_   
_Someone you can come to_   
_I wanna be there for you_

 

Dan was fighting with all his strength. He needed to go to Phil, hold him, whisper that he was fighting to be better for him. He needed Phil to know how much he loved him.


	12. Deus Ex Machina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What the title says...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title and lyrics from Blind by Placebo

“Phil...”

_If I could tear you from the ceiling,_   
_And guarantee a source divine,_   
_Rid you off possessions fleeting,_   
_Remain your funny valentine._

Phil heard his name from light-years away. He floated up toward the sound, slowly and serenely.

His eyelids fluttered and opened. He was in his room in the bunker. There was a man sitting at the foot of the bed he was lying on. He had curly hair and a short beard.

 

_Don't go and leave me,_   
_And please don't drive me blind_   
  


“Who are you?” Phil asked. His voice was hoarse. Now that he was fully awake, he realized how tired he was, how much his body was aching.

“I’m Chuck,” said the man. “I’m a friend of Sam and Dean’s. It’s kind of a long story.”

Phil nodded a little. “I was having a dream.”  He was at a loss to know why the words tumbled from his lips, but Chuck gave a little smile.

“Did you find the Lion?”

“Yes,” Phil answered without thinking, then frowned. “How did you –“

“I know a lot of things,” Chuck said soothingly. “I get these _visions,_ for lack of a better word.”

All things considered, Phil supposed this was quite normal.

 

_If I could tear you from the ceiling,_   
_I know the best have tried,_   
_I'd fill your every breath with meaning,_   
_And find a place we both could hide._

 

“The Lion gave me something. A little, live bear. It looked a bit like the drawings of Winnie the Pooh in the old books. It told me that everything was going to be okay.”

Phil suddenly felt like crying. “Is it?” He asked Chuck, “Is it going to be okay?”

 

_You don't believe me, but you do this every time_   
_Please don't drive me blind._   
_Please don't drive me blind.._   
_I know we're broken_

 

Chuck smiled more brightly.

“I think it might be. Do you have enough strength for one last injection?”

 

Phil entered the dungeon supported be Sam on one side and Dean on the other. As he passed Cas and Chuck, he saw Chuck place a hand on Cas’ shoulder in a fatherly gesture.

 

_If I could tear you from the ceiling,_   
_I'd freeze us both in time,_   
_Find a brand new way of seeing.._   
_Your eyes forever glued to mine._

_Don't go and leave me,_   
_And please don't drive me blind_

_I know I broke it_

 

Then he was face to face with Dan. Those deep brown eyes were shining with tears. Dean held Phil up while Sam drew a syringe full of blood from Phil’s bruised arm. Sam helped Phil insert the needle into the equally bruised flesh at the crook of Dan’s elbow. Dan didn’t move or make a sound, merely gazing at Phil with tears running silently down his cheeks.

Phil’s eyelids were suddenly very, very heavy.

 

_Don't go and leave me,_   
_And please don't drive me blind_

_I know I broke it_

 

He was only just aware of a warm hand gently touching the top of his head.

 

It happened in an instant, like a firework exploding high in the night sky. Phil felt Dan, not physically, but as if their souls were touching, connected by a force so blindingly, brightly pure that it frightened and soothed Phil at the same time. The whole of creation seemed to freeze for a millisecond, then burst into life and colour.

 

Phil was back in the bunker, his arms full of _Dan,_ no longer distant and chained, but alive and vital against Phil’s side. He looked up to see Chuck, dropping his hands to his sides with a sheepish smile, while the Winchesters and Cas stared at him in utter shock.

“I should go,” Chuck said, beaming at everyone, before vanishing.

“Father!” The cry escaped Castiel’s throat as he stretched toward the spot where Chuck had been, but it was too late, he was gone. Dean caught Cas before he could collapse on the ground.

Phil saw all this, but only in the periphery of his mind. Every nerve in his body was rejoicing, relaying the same message. Dan was safe. Dan was safe and in his arms.

Phil pulled him even closer, kissing the top of his head, relishing the tickling of his hobbit curls.

_If I could tear you from the ceiling,_   
_I'd freeze us both in time,_   
_Find a brand new way of seeing.._   
_Your eyes forever glued to mine._

 

There were no words, and they didn’t need any, clinging to each other, terrified of ever letting go.

 

London – Two weeks later

“Hey, look who sent me an e-mail,” Phil nudged Dan, who was lying with his head on Phil’s shoulder. “Sam. He says things are going well. Apparently Chuck had come back not long after we left. Helped them put right some things that they were dealing with. Cas is overjoyed. Sam says he and Dean are basically attached at the hip nowadays. Even Crowley’s forgiven them for curing you.”

Dan smiled. “I’m happy to hear that.”

He settled more comfortably against Phil, who put his arms around Dan’s waist.

“I love you,” Phil said quietly, kissing Dan’s cheek.

“Love you, too,” Dan replied, closing his eyes and resting comfortably enveloped in _Phil._

_Don't go and leave me,_   
_And please don't drive me blind._

_I'd fill your every breath with meaning,_   
_And find a place we both could hide._

 

They had been reluctant to break contact ever since Chuck had brought them back from the abyss. They slept in Dan’s bed, limbs entwined and if sometimes they would steal lazy kisses, it just reinforced the bond between them.

Not even the King of Hell, or Death itself, could tear them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FIN  
> Wow, thank you for reading! Also a big 'thank you' hug to everyone who commented and left kudos!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!!!


End file.
